Six years ago, the mere idea of being considered for a scholarship, leave alone get one, was nothing short of a joke to me. Neither was I an academically inclined kid. Right out of college I was someone who knew she wanted to be a journalist but probably had the worst knowledge of current affairs for anyone holding a Bachelor in Media Studies. There was a part of me that knew I was terrible at retaining information, but there was also a part of me that so desperately wanted to enter this industry. And my god, what a ride it’s been! From my first story, to my first front page and my first promotion. From reporting on TV for the first time to breaking stories and being part of the newsroom madness, that adrenaline rush when you get the story first. To six months into being a Chevening scholar and writing this – I don’t know how this journey has unfolded. The one thing I definitely know is that I’m no longer a clueless kid from 2012. I have worked hard. I may still not be as well-read and knowledgable as my my fellow journalists or classmates or friends, but I am definitely not clueless.
I have spent the last six years learning things from scratch and I continue to learn new things each day. I had to shed my ego and accept that I didn’t know stuff and it was hard. People judge you. People feel you’re not meant to be here. People think you’re stupid, dumb, unaware, casual. I spent night after night reading articles, books, essays about politics, international affairs, internal affairs, Indian history, world history – it was beyond overwhelming and often too hard to retain information. But how do you report on an issue you have no idea about? So, I didn’t have a choice and I often sought my seniors out for help. It’s probably my luck that I’ve had some of the most fantastic colleagues and mentors through the years. People who’ve helped me grow in ways I can’t even explain. Be it the time I was a features writer or a rookie TV reporter learning to do her first PTC – I’ve had people who patiently guided me, even reprimanded me at times. There have been plenty who’ve not been nice, vindictive and competitive even, but when you have even just one person standing by you, it matters. It was a ride and it wasn’t easy. It was gruelling with its doses of crying and stressing and feeling worthless, but by the end of it always ended with me growing stronger and in ways I didn’t even realise. I have no idea of the point I went from clueless to clued in. It just happened. That’s what life is – it just happens. You slog out wondering why the hell you’re doing this and one day you realise that maybe you’re tad bit smarter than you were.
Today, I don’t care about what people think when I don’t know something. It maybe the biggest news of the day but if I can’t understand the context of it despite reading about it, I ask. It’s not a crime to not know, as long as you are willing to learn. Don’t act like you know when you don’t. You’re fooling yourself and will basically end up embarrassing yourself someday. There are people who diss you, but there will always be someone to help. When there’s no one to help, don’t lose hope, just keep moving, you’ll find your way. When I was in college, some of my classmates felt my writing was absolutely sub-standard, long-form and boring. It probably was, but back then it was discouraging especially when people I looked up to dissed me, but it didn’t stop me from doing what I had to do. When I look back I feel like it shouldn’t have even mattered because they were students too, not editors or great writers themselves. Even the great writers of the world must have written some shit at some point of time. I don’t believe people don’t ever fuck up. Everyone fucks up! People just don’t show the chink in their armour, doesn’t mean they’re perfect. I probably wrote the shittiest articles ever when I first joined a newspaper, but I know I wrote some of the best articles and did some of my career’s most significant reporting by the end of my stint in print. I took over 20 takes for my first walkthrough and PTC when I joined TV as a reporter, but by the end of it I also gave non-stop hour long lives on developing stories. I have worked hard and no one can take away your hard work as long as you believe in yourself.
Now why have I written all of this?
I saw a post today about the upcoming Chevening scholarship interviews and I immediately remembered the anxiety that gripped me this time last year. I didn’t have the courage to apply for this scholarship until 2017 because I didn’t have confidence in myself and even after I did apply, I had to uphold that faith through the year-long gruelling application process. Amidst speculations of what if I don’t get it and casual (probably inadvertent or out of concern) statements from friends and families of “don’t get your hopes high”, “let’s see if you get it first”, “why don’t you take a loan and go”, “it’s quite a tough competition” and so much more, I just had to repeatedly close my eyes and dumb down the noise to tell myself that I can do it. I also had people who believed in me, who repeatedly told me to just relax and that I’ll definitely get it and it was probably those voices that fastened my resolve to remain confident. But a lot of times I felt like I was drowning and I had no one to pull me up. That is probably why I burst into tears when I got the email confirming my scholarship. It felt like I had proven something to myself. I stuck to my resolve and I did it. ME. A clueless child. Finally, a Chevening scholar. Maybe I overdo it sometimes with the enthusiasm of being a Chevening scholar but there just aren’t enough adjectives to express my emotions. I had never thought in my wildest of dreams that I’d ever get a scholarship. And I did. I can’t even explain to you what that means.
I don’t know if this blog will even reach any candidates for the scholarship, but if it does, I just want to tell all of them to just believe in themselves. Stay honest and true to their resolve and just be confident. That’s what Chevening looks for, too – your perseverance, your resolve, your clarity of thought, your will and determination to make a positive difference. If they’ve liked what you wrote, they only want to see if you really are the person who wrote those things. So stay true to what you’re here to achieve without letting anything else affect you. And most importantly, don’t let anyone ever tell you you can’t do it. You can always do it.
Frankly Said 