Stuck in a loop

Only two weeks of classes to go and we’re done. Then it’s three months of work on the dissertation and just like that… poof! Time to go back home. That happened fast!

On this day last year, I was gripped with anxiety. Work was hectic and I was barely getting any time to myself. I was sick of killing myself with stress and stretched work hours. I wanted a break and I was so scared of messing up the only opportunity I had to get this break. I had my Chevening interview in three days and to be absolutely honest, I was a nervous wreck.

Today, anxiety grips me again because come April 12, I won’t have any more classes to attend. I’ll have to go back to the drawing board and think yet again about my future. What next?

What’s next? I don’t know. Does anyone really ever know the answer to this? I mean we plan in our heads and we are like yeah I got my life under control, I know exactly what I want and I’m going to get it. But then it never really turns out exactly how you planned and even if it does it is never the SAME! But we still worry, and we still overthink… what’s next? Sigh. And sometimes things work out the way we imagined it (like it did for me last year) and we’re like that’s it, all my worries have come to an end, but then again… (here I am) what’s next?

Sigh.

Every few years life throws this question at our face and every single time we either worry ourselves sick, stop caring to the extent of totally f’ing up our lives or go into overdrive with planning our future. We spend so much time and energy. But have we ever realised that this annoying juncture in our life just keeps popping up every now and then? You know, whatever you choose will lead the way etc. but irrespective of what you choose you’ll always need to choose again. It sounds really simple but maybe I’m very slow or whatever, but I have just about figured this out! NOW, when I am about to hit that spot again almost a year after I thought I’d already crossed that bridge.

I don’t like how this anxiety makes me feel every now and then. Do you like it? I guess not! If you do, then… hats off! Please tell me how, because this.. expectations of others, your vision for your life, your current status, personal factors – putting it all together and planning what’s next… it is so exhausting!

It doesn’t matter what we do, how badly we fail or how wonderfully we succeed, we’ll be at crossroads in our lives every now and then. No decision in our lives is going to make this go away.

WE ARE STUCK IN A LOOP! Go, figure it out.

And this realisation just made me feel like why don’t I chill. Shouldn’t we just chill?

I’ll cross this bridge when it comes. For now, rambling ENDS.